Move to Dallas

short

2009-10-23T08:24:00.002-05:00

1. Managers don't win the baseball games people. Hell, Cooper could have pinch hit for Berkman and Lee for absolutely no reason every game and if the pinch hitter scores the winning run -> he is a genius. The players still have to score runs, and prevent the other team from scoring runs. Let anyone manage the fucking game, the players just need to win the game.

2. The Ed Wade bashing is fine I guess... he has nothing on his resume that makes you want to praise the man. However, Philadelphia.... That man practically built your '08 World Series winning team, and this years NL pennant winner (maybe back-to-back WS winner since it hasn't started yet). Stop calling in to the sports radio (why do you live here by the way? Fuck, go away) bitching about how Ed Wade sucked for you guys and now the Astros will suck always because of him. He built your team! We have a bleak near future, but its not even half Ed Wade's fault.

Someone actually looked at facts?

2009-08-19T15:51:00.003-05:00

I don't want to go over this... but this is a pretty good article explaining who should be the AL NVP.

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/9949322/Mauer-gets-the-nod-in-AL-MVP-voting-...-for-now

snippet:
>Unwisely sucked in by Teixeira's RBI total (he presently leads Mauer 86 to 73)? Don't be. Teixeira has more RBI than Mauer only because he's had many more RBI opportunities (he's had 362 runners on base ahead of him this season, while Mauer has had just 228). More to the point, Teixeira has driven in 15.5 percent of runners in 2009, and Mauer has driven in 22.4 percent.

I'm glad someone actually looks at this besides baseball fans.

5 things you want to see.

2009-08-19T09:07:00.005-05:00

Let us gradually transition into posting as football season (!!!) gets closer.

These are some things you want to see, in the style of college football.

1. Houston defeating Texas Tech, 9-26-09, Robertson Stadium.
A. This would kick ass.
B. We don't have to watch them hang around the top of the Big 12 South all season, only to lose to someone by 60.
C. This would kick fucking ass.

2. Florida vs Tennessee 9-19-09, Gainseville, Florida.
A. The .01% chance that Tenn. actually wins would be awesome.
B. Seeing Florida put up 179 points on Lane Kiffin's mouth would also be funny.
C. This one will be in caps because this is what should happen: AFTER TENN. IS LOSING BY 80 IN THE THIRD QUARTER, SOMEONE GETS A MASSIVE CHEAP SHOT ON BABY JESUS TEBOW AND BREAKS HIS LEGS. The world would love the guy who does this, as much as that guy who tore up Brady's knee.

3. Any Syracuse game that Greg Paulus is still the starting QB.
I'm a pretty negative guy when it comes to sports, unless its my team, so I like to root(is that right, root?) for failure. This guy has all the tools to be a terrible failure in all the right ways. He hasn't played QB in years, he's been a basketball player his whole college career. He's played basketball AT DUKE, that is instant douche right there. It's Syracuse. This could turn out to be fantastically bad.

4. Ohio State defeats USC 3-0, 9-12-09, Columbus, OH.
OSU and USC combine for 80 yards total offense and 14 total turnovers. USC fumbles on their own 1 yard line, only for OSU to suck badly enough to have to kick a field goal for the win. This negates all talk of the teams all year, and taking their pitiful conferences out of the championship hunt.

5. Baylor defeats Oklahoma, 10-10-09, Norman, OK.
This is actually a bigger stretch than Tebow getting his legs broken. However, Baylor made noise last year and they have a Vick'ish QB. I remember a certain someone named Reggie McNeal coming in for Texas A&M beating Oklahoma, although it was in College Station. Oh, how awesome would this be. Make this happen.

Lane's conference winner prediction of the week that is completely biased (LCWPOTWTICB) - PAC-10 - California. Every year they are "suppose" to be good, and I have no idea about their team at all. They are a gay ass bear. Just do USC.

Football. It is time.

2009-08-12T09:30:00.003-05:00

And I start my 2009 Texans fantasy jack off dream session with the proverbial camera shot on the dude, or the really really ugly ass woman that pops in your head or something of that nature. Brian Cushing, out with knee. All Coach K. would say about the injury is that he will be out for "a while"

Let us tally the preseason injuries + 1 dumb asshole who won't his 9 million dollar for a year contract.

Brian Cushing - indefinite as of now
Jacque Reeves - at least 6 weeks
Cato June - No idea, they won't say whats wrong his Knee
Dunta Robinson - Won't fucking sign his deal, cock.

That is 4 starting defense players not available right now. This does not mean shit, because we have yet to have even the first preseason game. However, this is not the way I wanted to start off my 2009 footblog-o-season.

Jonathan, it's time to come back man. No need to talk about the horrible Astros anymore.

Not Sports (Favorite Internet Videos List)

2009-06-04T13:56:00.003-05:00

My top 10 of internet/viral/youtube videos... whatever you call it. Over the years I've laughed at these and I'm making a list because that's all I do on this thing now. Bitch, and make lists.

David Blaine Street Magic Youtube Edition - this is hit or miss, for some I guess. I laughed my ass off just because of the stare the guy does into the camera. The over top fagginess which makes it almost not faggy of the 2 guys, isn't really that funny. The stare!

The End of Ze World - Quote machine.

Bill O'Reilly We'll Do it Live - I get that mad all the time, no one laughs and video tapes me.

Grape Lady - BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Is that a fucking kangaroo dying?

Mike Tyson's Brunch Out - I wish you had children so I could step on their genitals.

Devil & the Shoe Store - Damn I love this video

Casey Kasem Is Don on the Phone - AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PICTURES... He goes from cool to head spin in like 10 seconds. Awesome.

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time - It's business... It's business time!

Leroy Jenkins - Probably because I played WoW for a time a while back

Group X - Idioth - Pretty much any of the Group X goodies will do here. The prank calls are hilarious also.

And loads more that im not going to waste time posting...

Question

2009-05-30T09:11:00.003-05:00

Do the Astros' failures translate into me not enjoying baseball?

I turned on some Dodgers game the other day, and as I'm watching it all I can think about is how the Astros are so terrible. After a while I just turned the TV off again. Probably didn't even watch a whole inning.

I used to like baseball, no matter who was playing.

Sad faces?

quickly

2009-05-22T14:22:00.003-05:00

Don't want to go a month without a post.

Totally need to just delete this thing but whatever.

*Jake Peavey couldn't help us if he won 18 games and hit 10 homeruns in the next 4 months*

That's all I got. Stop calling into sports radio saying we should try to get Jake Peavey because he's good friends with Roy.

This is futile.

2009-04-25T09:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't watched an Astros game in a while, work schedule was thrown off these last 2 weeks... It sucks. It's not like I'm missing anything though.

Anyways. This is a lame attempt to try and defend some music opinions I have, because I'm tired of people telling me how crappy my music is.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Give me a better argument than "Down South Hillbilly Wanna Be Country Shit Music." Yes, you don't like listening to them, give me specific examples and I will awesomely say "Hey I respect that opinion." If you are trying to convince me that I'm a retard for listening to them, and you say "Because they are crappy southern rock hillbillys" please leave my sight, for you have failed horribly at debating your cause.

Metal/Core - Anything that is mostly detuned guitars, blazing riffs, and some dude screaming his ass off. This one is hard to try to defend. I understand how people can't handle the screaming. It's ok, I'm not trying to convince you to like it. But occasionally I'll run into a guy who wants to argue that it's "Not Metal." Who knows what the fuck is "metal" now? I'm glad I've met the end-all-be-all of metal labeling. Give me your number so I may call you everytime I have to ask what metal is.

Guns N Roses - November Rain - You will never convince me that this song sucks. Stop trying. I don't care how much of a douche Axl is. If I'm at your house or something, change the song. If you're at my place and it's on, shut the fuck up or walk away.

Also honorable mentions are Mid Nineties Metallica, Old Korn, and Tool. Metallica changed their pace, it's not worth breaking shit over. Change happens. Get over it. The older Korn stuff I can still play. I don't like the last 10 years or so, but to each his own. And tool... I love tool. You can always tell the guy talking about how Tool sucks has never really listened to them. One of his buddies told him that tool sucks and hes just replaying the same message in his head to sound cool.

NOW! Flame me for my disgusting musical opinions. I'm sorry I like popular stuff!!! Elitists, tear me down!!!

Winning streak!

2009-04-16T15:53:00.002-05:00

Take some notes Astros.

Possible reasons for the Astros to be off in the middle of a series.

2009-04-14T14:29:00.002-05:00

-They needed a day to rest their legs from running all those bases.

-They booked Hunter Pence in a hotel with a glass sliding door.

-Kaz's needed a day to walk around and say "You have no marbles!"

-They're watching Major League 1 & 2. See above reason.

-Lance and Roy needed they day to figure out if they are going to drop their no trade clause by July.

-The starting rotation needed to go bury their money somewhere (ya know, becuase they won't ever pitch again soon... thats a stretch I know)

They really need the whole day today to reflect on their performance of the past week? Seriously, thats not good. They need to be hitting balls right now to break out of this stuff.

To put -SOMETHING-ANYTHING- positive in a post, I'll say this: Hunter is looking a little more mature at the plate it seems. That or it only seems that way because he's the only one hitting anything. I've actually seem him take a pitch or 2 in the little time I've watched.

Zero's.

2009-04-13T15:33:00.005-05:00

Hey, even in binary you need 1's.

Playing with ridiculously early numbers.

2009-04-13T10:23:00.002-05:00

Batting
Runs - 16 - 29th in MLB
Hits - 50 - T-22 in MLB
Doubles - 5 - 30th in MLB
Team Average - .250 - 18th in MLB

Pitching
8 HRs given - Right in the middle of the pack
41 Strikeouts - Right in the middle of the pack
24 Walks - 16/low 33/high
Opponent On Base - .382 (!) - 28th
ERA - 6.23 - T-27th

We knew the pitching was going to be bad. There was only a little glimmer of hope inside of me that wanted the pitching to be better than we expected. Whats with the batting? Kyle Lohse retiring 24 straight? Watching these guys... there's not enough beer it seems.

It's getting very old bashing on these guys, yet there is nothing I can say good about this team. Albert Pujols continues his reign of King Everything Against Houston. 6 games is like 3% of the season, but it's sure easy to get discouraged about a 1-5 start. Roy gets hammered, our batting is crappy on epic levels, our farm system was unanimously ranked 30 of 30 in the MLB. Were we insane to listen to Cecil and everyone agree with him about the 90 game thing?

I hope they run like the next 10 straight to get our hopes up again.

Which one?

2009-04-10T14:24:00.002-05:00

OR

We'll find out tonight.

Yea!

2009-04-08T08:38:00.002-05:00

I have to admit, Jeff Keppinger is not a name I've ever heard before. I didn't get a chance to see the game last night either, so I'm a pretty bad fan. Keppinger obviously knows what to do to be on the Astros squad: Hit in the clutch. He must have heard about Chris Burke, or maybe even Orlando Palmeiro. Those guys didn't even need to hit .250, or develop into any kind of fielder.

In all seriousness, these are the kind of games we need to pull out. There were more than enough of these type of games last season to put us into the playoffs had we won them. Alas, we cannot bring players in scoring position home, and last season is history.

Here here for optimism!

Silver Boot

2009-04-06T14:01:00.006-05:00

Me want Astros win!

This is supposed to be a hate-on-Dallas-type-thing, so I'll say fuck Dallas.

Actually the Rangers are winning the boot series 5-3, yet the Astros are winning the series 25-23. Split the series and it goes to runs scored, and the Rangers score runs. As I type this they are leading the Indians 7 to 1 on opening day.

Did you see the New York Times predictions for the American League?
Prediciting the Royals to win the central, well theres your "out of the blue" pick. Picking the Cubs and Yankees in the world series? Hey now don't get too crazy with those picks.

I think Mike Hampton sprained his eye lash driving to the stadium.

I heard the Astros invited Shane Reynolds (and others) to the opening day festivities. I think he could make the rotation.

Tonight:
Roy v Carlos!
Hunter Pence no blinking stare acid trippy thing!
Michael Bo...errr Lance Berkman! yeah there we go.
And probably alot of blue in the fucking stands, because Cub fans blow donkey balls.

Thanks Pittsburgh.

2009-04-03T11:00:00.004-05:00

-This is where I talk about how times are tough and the Astros are suppose to take our mind off of real life and they are looking bleak, blah blah blah-

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAH.
FUCK ALL THAT THOUGH, THE PIRATES LOST TO A JUCO SCHOOL.

Whew.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Pittsburgh. Look, the computers have you guys finishing ahead of us in the division. I know that one game where you play your scrubs and you lose to a JuCo school is no indication of a teams' play... but atleast you get our minds off our horrible starting pitching, and we can make fun of a division rival.

As a guy on the radio said: "Look, you lost to a team named after an aquatic cow."

Pittsburgh will probably take the season series... again.

Tearing down the mailbox, one pessimistic comment after another.

2009-03-06T08:49:00.002-06:00

Mailbag time!

>"Only four spots are available on the Astros: one starting pitcher, two catchers and a backup infielder who can play shortstop and second base. Abercrombie, an outfielder, and Johnson, a third baseman, probably won't make the cut..."

Well that sucks.

There's nothing to say about this. Just take a look at the roster and say "theres only one starting pitcher spot available." Don't worry, that puke taste in your mouth won't last too long. I feel like we're in the movie Major League, and Rachel Phelps is trying to move the team to Miami.

Imagine reading and then having to answer this question:
>"According to early reports, Russ Ortiz looks good. If Ortiz can get close to his 2004 form and makes the rotation, how much better do you think the staff is and who do you think will be the odd man out?"

I wouldn't want to. I would respond: Have you ever played 5 card draw poker? This is your hand: Jack of Hearts, 9 of spades, 7 of clubs, 5 of diamonds, and 3 of spades. Draw four... No. Fold. It's time to think longterm, and I would use the "bandaid" metaphor thing... but we aren't using bandaids anymore. The bandaid was falling off and now we are just duct taping the bandaid back on over and over.

>"...but I can see him pitching beyond the three years remaining on his contract. Oswalt doesn't care about stats or the Hall of Fame; he just wants to win a World Series. If the Houston's farm system indeed is back on track and churning out the Major League talent by then, and the Astros again are perennial playoff contenders, I think Oswalt might stretch his career out longer than he thinks he will..."

I love me some Roy. He's a great pitcher and he's doesn't care about much other than winning. He could have gotten more money somewhere else with his last contract. He could be out there whining and bitching about how our team resembles a pick up softball league team (zing!). He's not that guy. He's simply a bad ass.

I also share Footer's opinion on the matter of Roy hanging it up at the end of the contract. Somehow we build a team that is capable of winning more than half our games, he'll stick around.

What do you do?

2009-03-04T10:14:00.003-06:00

Sorry guys, I don't care about spring training. I like seeing highlights though, but if Shitty Astro Pitcher X gives up 9 walks and schfourteen-teen thousand runs per inning, it doesn't matter.

So instead of posting more crap about what pisses me off or what songs I like right now or some other mindless babble.....

WHAT THE HELL IS THERE TO KEEP UP WITH IN FEBRUARY-APRIL "DEAD FUCKING ZONE OF SPORTS"

Basketball... I can't watch it. The pros try to make it interesting, yet everytime I hear "Well he's SoAndSo player, he is going to get that call" it makes me want to puke. Why? College ball is a little better I suppose, but I can complain alot about that too. Maybe I just don't like basketball.

Does anyone watch hockey? Can you watch hockey? I've only seen it at bars or highlights on espn. I could get into that, but it would take a full season for me to "get" the game.

I guess the tournament can be fun to talk about / have an office bracket. Hurry up with that though, Ive heard more sports talk radio about what hairspray the guys use or what color their car is... terrible.

unfuckingtitled

2009-02-27T09:16:00.004-06:00

I've never really "got" the movies Office Space and Fight Club, until I worked in an office setting long enough to realize what these movies were really about.

Not all of these things I'm going to list will apply to everyone, but every office has their quirks and shit.

-Repetitive bullshit. Like the Edward Norton's character said. Everything is just a copy. A scanned in, photocopy of another thing. Sit in this chair behind this desk for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. Hey did you know that 40 hour weeks @ 50 weeks a year = 2000 hours? Did you know that you sleep an average of 2500 hours a year. Did you know that there's only 8760. In case you suck at math, Sleeping & Working (40h weeks) = ~50% of your life in a year.

-Co-workers retarded daily habits/noises/mannerisms. The guy I share my office with, sneezes no less than 75 times a day. He is a very loud sneezer. I don't want to say anything because its just me being annoyed all the time at work. But shouldn't you go see a doctor about that? This isn't a seasonal/allergy/cold thing. This is perpetual... all year long.

-"I've got 8 different bosses Bob. 8 Bosses." Yeah I've got like 5. It's fucking stupid, and just like Office Space, if something goes wrong, most of them let me know via yellin at me. I've got some old school bosses too, so if they need to lay into me they aren't holding back. None of this P.C. shit. "Listen, you need to fucking get the ball rolling, I'm tired of this shit where you don't do any fucking work"

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. "

Materialism sucks. I'm caught up in it to an extent too I guess. I'm at work right now to pay for shit like a car, guitar shit, shiny fancy utterly worthless shit I suppose.

"Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day"

Yep. Can't agree with this more. Fuck this idea. The sound of people's voices in my office are enough to set me off into a fucking angry yelling match inside my head. That is not good, this means I'm not the type to sit in an office all day.

You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation?

Yeah, when you get paid trashcans, whats the fucking point? I don't work my ass off on purpose, because if I do more work and not get credit for it, my mind thinks its been cheated and goes into pissed off mode (which im in 90% of the time anyway, I don't need any help with this)

I should have called this blog Negative Nancy's hideout or something. Tune in next week for "completley mindless babble and ranting about how car squeaks and wind piss Lane off"

Stuff?

2009-02-17T11:43:00.002-06:00

No idea how to title this post. The title should be something like "Questions I have for Jonathan and stuff I've recognized about myself that I need to change or find ways to moderate in respects to diet/working out and would like Jonathan's opinion of"

Ok.....

I looked into that Paleo stuff a little, but I'm confused. I get the whole natural food things, but damn I've read some crazy restrictions. Why are peanuts so bad... *must avoid* Green beans? I would have figured crazy old cavemen would have encounter those and eaten them at some point.

Maybe you wrote or linked this, but I remember reading about how your familys history could have something to do with how your body reacts to some foods. Example: *Rule: avoid rice* Though, if you are Chinese/Japanese, they've eaten rice so damn long that their genetics have possibly adapted? Maybe its all the fish they eat, I don't know.

The binge drinking and following hungover compulsive eating has got to stop at some point. When I drink, I DRINK. The last month I have been chronicling everything I've put into my body. Some Friday/Saturday's i've put up to 200 oz of bud light a night. Ridiculous. Still managed to LOSE a minimal amount of weight, even though I was trying to just maintain it. Which leads me to believe I've been losing more muscle than fat.

Do you plan stuff out before doing it, or are you one of those people who can just keep a routine without actively thinking about it? I've noticed in myself that I when I plan to do something, I can do it and get in a routine... then maybe a wrench gets thrown in there and I totally screw EVERYTHING up for as long as a week or 2. On a long enough timeline, everything just evens out... 2-3 weeks of doing everything right and a week of ignoring everything is just like a step forward and a step backwards.

Ehhhh, I can't wait for baseball season to start so we can type meaninglessly about how bad our 3rd basemen are, or how our second basemen is on pace for 3 homeruns in July.

There is like, nothing to post about.

2009-02-06T10:37:00.002-06:00

Seriously.

I don't care about basketball. Football is dead. Baseball is still a ways away.

Random news:

Texans apparently violated some rules about contact in minicamp or something. Who cares.
Phelps ganja smoking? Why is this such a big deal?
Crossfit stuff is still hurting me everytime I do it. I haven't got the nerve to try 3 in a week yet.
Finally got a tube amp. It's great, but I still don't agree with those elitist guys who say solid state amps are terrible no matter what. Amp doesn't make the player.
Uhhhh?

Meh.

Enshrined Guitarist - January

2009-01-30T14:33:00.003-06:00

Forgot about this, Only got one day left.

No words to describe him are necessary.

Thanks for being my favorite guitarist ever.

Woot!

2009-01-28T10:35:00.002-06:00

http://www.halfstreetblues.com/2009/01/whos-worst-franchise-in-baseball-not-us.html

"Keith Law from ESPN announced his 2009 organizational farm system rankings (ESPN Insider password required) this week, and the minor league system of your Washington Nationals ranked 29th out of 30 MLB franchises, ahead of the Houston Astros."

This has GOT to be posted on some kind of bulletin board @ the Astros front office.

fuck.

It's all scoreboard.

2009-01-09T10:15:00.002-06:00

I swear this is the last one about college football for a while.

Can Texas get the 1 loss love for the next decade or so? Oklahoma proved once again that they don't deserve it right now. Stoops, aren't you like 1-7 in your bowl games now? Atleast Mack wins the fucking bowl games he gets.

Can we turn a new page next year regarding the favoritism showed to some teams?
Ohio State? ITS NOT 2002! Stop putting them at the fucking top, they play a weaaaaak fucking conference.
USC? They are pretty good every year but Jesus can they get an easier road to the championship game? WAKE THE FUCK UP PAC-10
Oklahoma, see last night. Go away.
Florida/LSU - I can't bitch too much, the SEC has been pretty good as of late and been taking care of business in the bowl games.

Not going to bitch about Texas, im a homer and they did get partially (PARTIALLY: see Utah) screwed.

Um. Friday. Yea.

One last college thing

2009-01-06T09:42:00.002-06:00

I'm guilty of this, but I wish it would stop:

"Team x beat team y, but team z beat team x so automatically z > y."

Even the common opponent argument is crappy to me. No argument will ever be as great as arguing for a team that beat another team on the field of battle, and that is that.

I'm trying to not sound too much like sour grapes, but it will happen none-the-less. Since Texas had a tough time dispatching Ohio State, Florida and Oklahoma both could beat Texas easily - that's an easy and popular statement to make today, but this is far from being justifiable. There has been more than enough evidence show this year to think that Texas could beat any team in the country.

Now, someone make the case for Utah, because you know... that Alabama win.... well... let's just say that 13-0 looks nice.

invisabul air squigglies

2009-01-02T09:11:00.004-06:00

Mmmm. Can you smell that shit??? Smells like unjustified optimism to me!

I think I may like waiting on baseball season to start more than when baseball season starts. Only becuase the Astros will most likely fail in a lot of areas this year, and probably years to come. Who cares though? It's always fun thinking about how it *COULD* happen. Geoff Blum as our 3rd baseman? Aaron Boone? No pitchers? Oh well! We don't have to start bitching until April (March if they REALLY suck in spring training).

Looking forward to:

Yankees failing with 700 billion dollar payroll
The MLB dumpster that is the NL West
Astros winning games 16-15

Not looking forward to:

Turning on ESPN even though I know its a mistake everytime (if only to try and catch a brief brief brief brief highlight of a walk off homerun, because hey... ESPN doesn't give a fuck about Houston)
Astros losing games by 19 runs
Hunter pence sucking again
Having Miguel Tejada on the team
Anyone pitching

Hey D, you wanna try a different kind of blog rivarly for baseball? 2 teams in some other division? I like the idea, because there are teams I like out there but I don't pay very much attention to them... I like the Twins, and I find myself rooting for the Marlins, A's, and Blue Jays alot. Let me know what you think.

If only to get those chicks off the front page.

2008-12-29T11:23:00.002-06:00

All is right in NFL world.

Cowboys? Sit the fuck down!
Patriots? Shut the fuck up!

Lions 0-16? Fucking awesome

The Texans made a little something out what they could. Still can lick my sack for the terrible display of "football" they played in some of those games, but whatever

Holidays fucked me up. I ate compulsively and didn't move off the couch. I woke up this morning determined to get back on the horse, and I drank coffee and didn't do any kind of work out.

The office is more annoying with less people in it, because they all want to bother me. Or is it that I just hate people talking to me unless I want to talk back? I guess it's the asshole in me. Small talk is stupid, get to the point.

What else can I ramble about...

Whitlock sucks, I hate his writing and I hate when he fills in for Jim Rome. He's so biased on some things that people expect that he's going to be biased and let him blow everything out of proportion and then he gets rewarded for it /runon

Are those girls down the page enough yet?

Merry Christmas to the dook & kix + eric. From: Hot tits mcgee santa girls

2008-12-25T13:22:00.004-06:00

I think thats my whole base of readers.

Here:

Red Sox find new way of sticking their Beantown (and probably tiny) dick in Yankees butt.

2008-12-19T08:16:00.002-06:00

I don't like the Red Sox, like pretty much anyone outside of Boston now-a-days, but long before I've hated the Boston area - I've FUCKING DESPISED the Yankees (side note: I'm no writer, and I have no idea how to construct that sentence). So sometimes, I find it necessary to say "hey you guys aren't so bad sometimes when you slap the Yankees around like Tina Turner."

Here's one of these times.

The media is going to make this sound like the Yankees are geniuses, and the Red Sox are failures. The Yankees sign 2 coveted starting pitchers, the Red Sox pull out of the Texierearerareara deal.

This is just a way for the Red Sox to say, "look you fucking retards, not only are you mental for blowing eleventy billion dollars on free agency, we aren't even going to sign this guy and still beat you."

I've already laid out my stance on C.C. And AJ? (Imagine me sitting at a table with the Yankees brass and Brown/Pavano/Johnson/younameit standing behind me) Tell me the truth guys, did you pull a Bill Clinton and look for the closest thing you could find with a vagina?

I would like to call Tesh-ara an "85." Meaning he's 85% of what a "team's best player" should be. No way should he get 20 something million dollars a year.

Stick your chest out today Yankee fan, its going to hurt in 2012 when the payroll is 400 million and you still get beat by the 40 million Rays.

This happens everytime, I spend so much time ranting that I forget shit and I end up some place way off from where I started. I hate blogging. Fuck this!

Last place

2008-12-16T08:55:00.004-06:00

Last year, this guy won his fantasy league.
This year.

Well. As I look through the scores. I lost to the 1-12 team in the losers bracket, after losing the first round of the losers bracket.

I don't care what it says at the end of the season. THIS GUY IS THE WORST LOSER.

Monday stuff

2008-12-15T11:42:00.002-06:00

Well this weekend was fucked. Last week I came down with some shit, but instead of relaxing and letting my body recover I busted my ass working out. By Friday I couldn't even finish the day at work, full blown 'sick as a motherfucker' by Friday night. In between throwing up I managed to sleep for something like 18 hours. After that passed I spent yesterday eating everything I could because I had the craziest hunger in the world.

Now I must get back on the horse, and it didn't help that I forgot to set my alarm to do my HIIT this morning. Now I gotta do it at night and that sucks.

On to some sports.

Andre Johnson for the mother-fucking win. Why did we ever let Jonathan pick him up in the draft? I'm definitely trying to pick himup next year. I had 'em last year but he was hurt for quite a bit.

How great do the Titans act in defeat? You are only trumped by the faggotry-ness (what?) of Cowboys players and fans. I won't throw the quotes on here but they are pretty lame.

Suck it Tennessee. Discredit us all day, have fun getting kicked the fuck out of the playoffs.

Enshrined guitarist of the month.

2008-12-12T09:41:00.002-06:00

December - Zakk Wylde.

He's a beast!

Great songwriter

Can shred

Makes this ballad fucking awesome

Is a southern rock fan.
Can riff you to death.
Chicken picks.
The list goes on.

Like me, Zakk, you show in your music that you appreciate many different types of music. You're musician's pallette contains many more colors than 'gunmetal gray.' I don't believe theres a better combo of instruments to know than Guitar & Piano. You sir have mastered both. I aspire to use your influence in my music whenever possible. So welcome, enjoy your immortality (or as long as Move to Dallas has a server to deliver this blog)

Side note: Too many times I have seen idiots with worthless opinions post on forums, article comments, and youtube comments. So much hate out there for so many guitarists. I believe appreciation has been lost. So I'm going to appreciate.

Free agent stuff part 1

2008-12-10T08:20:00.005-06:00

CC to Yankees for 161 Mil, 7 years.

Helps 'em? You bet.
Playoffs? I wouldn't bet money against it.
Drag on the notion that money buys championship? CHECK!

I guess it's my (kind of) blue collar upbringing, but I just hate teams that buy every fucking player they can. That's the only criteria. You buy every fucking free agent there is, I hate you. You're the equivalent of the asshole who's parents bought you that nice car when you were 16 and you wrecked it. That's what the Yankees do just about every year. Buy themselves (sometimes old) nice cars and metaphorically wreck their season. I don't know where I was going with that.

CC has been pretty damn dominant, hes a surefire ace on any staff.
Ready for my oh so bold predictions?

CC is fat. He's David Wells fat. Yes, I know David Wells pitched a perfect game as a fat drunk man, he was also not suppose to be Christ reborn. This fatness will not help him in the upcomming years. Depression will hit him like a falling rock after the New York media portrays him as the fat characters off Austin Powers (those movies blow btw). He will eat, and become fatter. Welcome to New York, Bartolo Colon! (This may be a little over the top)
Those outings where he just ate the innings will take their toll. 'Ate' the innings. Man I crack myself up. Pitchers now are pussies, they aren't built like Nolan, all those 5 billion inning outings last year will catch up to him in a few years.
New York sucks. Also, how many pitchers have signed there as free agents, coming off spectacular years only to spend a few years in NY as mediocre to above average pitchers? Anything less than 20 games/3.00 era/250+ innings is a failure... that is a bad sign.

Deadspin commenter: "Enjoy your fat Mike Hampton, New York"
Hahaha!

Personally... welcome to my "God I fucking hate ___" list.

The BCS 'losing early is not as bad' debate.

2008-11-19T06:03:00.003-06:00

/bitter fan rant engage!

Can I put it out there that if OU beats tech this weekend, and Florida ultimately ends up beating Alabama in the SEC championship, and niether lose any other games then that is your National Championship?

That seems the most likely scenario with the talking heads anyway.

In my scenario, Texas is snubbed out of the Big 12 championship and the national champions over a team they beat. This is because of the dumb Big 12 tie breaker rules. Lets use the BCS rankings to determine our Big 12 South champion... shall we have that computer from War Games make decisions about our military too?

How about something in the games, that we can all look at and agree upon and say 'ok, this sucks but they are the rule and atleast I can point to it and say blah blah blah' instead of 'the computer ranked me lower, and I don't know why /punches clown'

Lane's awesome idea that will never happen: How about point differential between the 3 head to head games of the 3 tied teams. Ex:
(I don't remember the OU UT score but i think the differential was like 10 points?)
UT beats OU by 10
Tech beats UT by 1
say Tech gets beat by 4 by OU

with my math, Texas is +9 Tech is +3 and OU is -6
atleast that gives credit to Texas's 1 point 'omg throw it to Crabtree' loss. (I did say bitter fan rant)

This also puts no emphasis on when the team losses. Why should that be a deciding factor? A team should be ranked higher because they lose early and get their shit together instead of losing late when everyone has been planning for them all year and gunning for their seat? There is no need for this debate because there are better ways of deciding the tiebreaker rules. Don't use the BCS.

Hell I would rather see a coin flip, beer pong toss off between team captains, or maybe even settled by that human sacrifice basketball game those South American indians played.

Hey, I don't spell check, proof read, check for grammar, or even care about punctuation. So.... I'm pushing publish now.

OH ITS FUCKING RANT TIME BABY

2008-11-14T06:27:00.003-06:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8792662/Jets-haven't-truly-ended-Pats'-reign?MSNHPHMA

Title of link I clicked on: "Jets win, but not vs real Pats"

Now let me preface my ranting by saying that while I don't consider myself by any means a Jets fan (and I fucking hate Brett Farve's wranglers), I would rather see the Patriots' plane crash than watch them play football. Wonderful.

>Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see Tom Brady or Rodney Harrison on the field in New York's 34-31 victory on Thursday night. The Patriots were also missing their star linebacker, Adalius Thomas, who went down with what appeared to be a season-ending forearm injury last week, and starting defensive end Ty Warren, who sat out the loss to the Jets with a groin injury.

>The running corps had become such a mess that undrafted rookie BenJarvus Green-Ellis was thrust into the starting job for the last few weeks.

Nice. America really wants to read about how the Patriots couldn't overcome adversity. Get over it, every team has injuries. I'm pretty sure the 'real' Patriots lost in the superbowl to a (at the time) ridiculous underdog.

>The Patriots won't use excuses, but I'm going to do it for them.

Why? Don't we try to push out the 'No Excuses' message to the masses? The Patriots won't use excuses. G---FUCKING-Good (like Gahhh-Fucking-Good). No one wants to hear the excuses. My future children are going to grow up, read this assholes article, and come to me with something like "Daddy, I couldn't win my spelling contest because I didn't have a liver at the time." No excuses, cock!

... (article goes on breaking down the game, making the Patriots seem like an underdog) ...

>"This one ranks right up there," Favre said. "In the moment it's easy to say, but it may be at the top."
Are you serious?
In an 18-year career filled with more than 40 4th-quarter comebacks, this victory ranks at the top? No chance.

Are you serious? Taking a quote you see somewhere out of context? No chance.
He did say "In the moment it's easy to say." This is what he meant:

Guy hasn't had sex in a year.
*sex*
Girl: That was good baby
Guy: That was the best damn sex I have ever had.

I'm ending this post right now. I'm listening to Creeping Death by Metallica and the bridge is going on. DIE! BY MY HAND! I CREEP ACROSS THE LAND! KILLING FIRST BORN MAN!

I got another rant about Mel Kieper later... maybe

Embed it!

2008-11-13T07:14:00.002-06:00

I mentioned this before to Donovan.
Great metallica song? Check.
Mastodon covering? Check.
Bad ass cover? Fuck yes.

I can only imagine how long it took them to get all the great tones they get in this song...

Unforgivably bad post about nothing of any importance

2008-11-12T08:20:00.003-06:00

I want to start/join a classic rock band.

Here's my reasoning behind this:

My first love is the metals probably. But I hardly ever play it because a) I've never spent the time to develop fast tempo guitar playing. b) I find rhythm playing extremely boring to practice, and metal rhythm chops aren't exactly something you just pick up. c) I love playing leads, and metal lead players.... man those guys are ACCOMPLISHED fucking guitar players. I got years to go.
Most everyone likes classic rock. Or at least enough to enjoy it in a live setting. Metal is not the most popular genre around. This is a fact. It scares a lot of people.
The music isn't taxing on anyone in the band really. I.E. you don't need a band full of virtuoso players.

Yeah. That is what I want to do.

Houston

2008-11-10T10:25:00.002-06:00

God I love being a Houston fan.
Let us see what happened over the weekend for my fair city of sports domination.

Texans: L, badly
Rockets: L, badly
Dynamo: Ousted from the playoffs
Aeros: L

(we could have the Lions)

We aren't very good still.

2008-10-20T14:28:00.002-05:00

Sad faces.

Let me explain.

The Lions are bad. Very very very very very bad. We played a game in the first half that was expected from any team other than the Chiefs/Bengals. In the second half, we almost gave that game away. I was seriously still thinking of Indy a couple weeks ago when the Lions kept showing signs of life.

96 yard TD to Calvin Johson?
That almost fucked me in fantasy, since Jimmy has C.J. and we played a really really close game.
Outcome: We came into the late game last night tied... All Ike Hilliard had to do was catch one pass for 10+ yards. Well on his first attempt to catch a ball, he was sandwiched by 2 defenders. Knocked unconcious, looking like a paralyzed deer that had just been shot by a hunter. Shitty way to win a game in fantasy, but I gotta take it... its only my second win of the season.

Speaking of Fantasy... I have been seriously unlucky. My record is NOT indicative of how my team is playing. I can understand losing when you put up 65, but i've put up over 80 points a few times now and lost. I was tied at 86 last night before winning. I should be in the middle of the pack, but looks like im going to be fighting for the last playoff spot. 2-4-1. That tie is totally going to fuck me somehow.

Blog rivalry? What can I say... Its hard to believe the Texans win more than 6 or 7 games this year and the Titans are allready 6-0. Their defense is awesome and they have an incredible running game. The only thing left I can do is take jabs at VY... and the only one I can do is "Have fun watching your team in the playoffs from the bench" and that is pretty lame.

I can be optimistic still, even if the Titans own face this year, because...... The Cowboys. These guys are making me happy in the pants, because they look like a spiraling dove after you blast it with a 12 gauge. Now, I think they will have enough this season to make the postseason because this year no team is great... but don't you just see the playoff collapse that we've seen over the last 2 years? I do. Fuck yeah.

Is the Jerry chasin' it?

2008-10-15T11:32:00.006-05:00

Rome made an interesting point today. He compared Jerry Jones to a gambling addict chasing his losses. An extreme compulsive personality. Someone who cannot control himself. In this case, buying players.

First, lets review some recent history.

-Signed Adam "Pacman" Jones. In my opinion is second only to Michael Vick on the controversy meter. Was suspended for a year by the commish. Just got suspended for 4 games (and depending on when he has to get re-instated again, maybe more.) Not to mention, may be (you know "allegedly") responsible for:

Spitting on 2 different women, on different occasions
Obstruction of justice
Grabbing a stripper by the hair and slamming her head against the stage (Las Vegas shooting incident)
Threatening to kill a man (L.V. shooting incident)
Conspiracy to commit various crimes

It has also been confirmed that Jones has been a distraction to the Cowboys organization by other players. He has only participated in 6 games for the Cowboys.

The pros of having Jones: Hes an above average punt returner and an above average corner back.

-Signed Tank Johnson. Might not have as many legal troubles on his jacket as Jones, but he's no angel. He was also suspended by the league, and has served jail time for crimes committed during his time as an NFL player. A player who has 77 tackles in 5 years, and averages a sack a year.

-Signed Zach Thomas. Good pick up. Is this a star name pick up though? A Jerry impulse buy? I'm guilty of this during fantasy drafts if I'm not sure of someone who is higher up on a projected list.

-Picked up Roy Williams yesterday. So you're stud QB goes down for a few weeks, and one of your corners gets suspended. Your other stud CB is sidelined with injuries. You're star wide receiver is already bitching about throws to him. So the first thing you think about is getting another star type WR who feeds off touches? For 3 draft picks no less. I've seen this "win now at all costs mentality"... it was called the New York Yankees over the last few years. It hasn't worked.

This leads me to believe that Jerry Jones is not a very effective owner when it comes to building a team. This also makes me feel good inside. Although, these signings give the Cowboy fans these false feelings of security when bragging about their team, which is very annoying.

While I'm listing reasons why Jerry Jones sucks, let me start listing other things the Cowboys piss me off about.

It is widely acknowledged that one of the intentions for the Cowboys new football stadium was to ensure that the only Superbowl's in Texas will be hosted in Dallas.
It is widely accepted that Cowboys upper management believe a "circus, reality TV-type" atmosphere helps the franchise.
T.O. cried on national television after a loss that he should have sucked up.
T.O. probably knew what he was doing with that whole "committing suicide incident."
T.O. has verbally assaulted both quarterbacks he's had relationships with (after the fact no less!) before coming to the Cowboys, but cries for a quarterback to "stand up for him."
Signed a guy who actually thinks a strip club is a "script club."
Same guy thinks the proper use for being rebellious is "being rebellion."

Sad to say it, but I will feel no sympathy for that man when his skeletor body finally fails him. Hopefully someone takes that franchise over soon and makes it respectable. I'll still hate the fucking team, but maybe I can shut this blog thing down.

Not to be a negative nancy...

2008-10-13T13:30:00.004-05:00

But you don't just get in my good graces by winning one. Schaub, you are still a fucking plague. You aren't a starting QB. You just aren't. Sage is not either, so we're fucked.

...but on with the show...

>Donovan wrote:
"It was a head to head blog rivalry fantasy matchup, and I didn't think to hype it! It all comes down to Braylon Edwards. If he puts up 22 points, I'm gonna be pissed."

You know how awkward a feeling it is to watch Andre Johnson tear it up, and be pissed off at the same time?

And that fucking Marion Barber 70 yard TD was total Arizona toilet defense

My team sucks D... Braylon has 1 TD on the season, don't worry.

>The Texans finally won a game. Whatever.

And had they not have that gene inside the team that Bud Adams somehow implanted into our city before he left we should be 3-2.

But Dallas did find a way to lose that game which makes me happy. Houston win and Dallas lose? This will probably be the only week that happens this year. How did Dallas lose that anyway? The refs were blatantly trying to give it to the Cowboys and they choke jobbed it right into embarrasment. Not like the Indy choke job we put up last week, but come on its Arizona. They aren't allowed to win games...

Here's to Braylon getting 21 points tonight so I can stay a 1 win team, but have the slimmest margins of defeat ever.

*EDIT: I'm down 31 points. I don't know why Donovan picked the number 22 earlier, but I'm gonna need 30 frmo Braylon to lose by 1.END EDIT*

Listicles and such.

2008-10-10T15:44:00.001-05:00

I don't want to talk about sports. Rockets are about to start. I'm allready writing off this season for the Texans.

Few music listicles then?

You won't ever hear any of these on the radio
Guitar solos you need to hear before you die:
Tornado of souls - Megadeth (Marty Friedman)
Reach Down - Temple of the Dog (Mike McCready)*
Blue Sky - The Allman Brothers (Duane Allman/Dickey Betts)
Soothsayer - Buckethead
The air I breathe - All that Remains (Oli Herbert)
Mr. Crowley - (Randy Rhoads)

*According to wikipedia: "McCready performed an epic 4-minute-plus solo for "Reach Down". According to [Chris]Cornell, McCready's headphone monitors flew off halfway through the recording of the solo, and he played the rest without being able to hear the backing track. McCready considers this track to be one of his proudest moments"

Thats fucking awesome!!!

What music is interesting me as of now:
Coheed and Cambria - rocking. The story behind the albums is fucking weird! I cannot explain.
Some older stuff like Yes, The Doobie Brothers, Neil Young, and Bad Company
And motherfucken Queens of the Stone Age. Mosquito song is quickly rising on my list of favorite songs ever. Songs for the Deaf is win.

Shit that is on its way out of my mind and im not proud of ever being fond of:
Dragonforce - Holy balls, you play really really fast and make nintendo noises with your guitar.
Seether - ugh
Not hearing "Bridge of Sighs" until I was 24 years old.
Listening to people try to explain why Megadeth is better than Metallica or vice versa.

Random YouTube badass. (Well hes not really a youtube freak, but you wouldn't have known of him)

Unbeatable technique + great melody

To my state of mind 2 months ago:

2008-10-06T08:31:00.007-05:00

Take your optimism and shove it up your fucking ass.

It's only natural to be optimisic about your teams before the season starts. Next year, just don't. Don't think the Astros have a chance. Don't worry about the Texans top 5 draft pick. Don't worry about the first round playoff exit for the Rockets. Don't blink an eye when Tracy and Yao go down this year. Don't flinch when Andre Johnson goes down with a hamstring. Don't bat an eye when Roy tears his rotator cuff.

I'm going to snap today. Heres why:
I drank alot on Saturday, and its been a while since i've had a really bad hangover.
I'm still kind of hungover today.
Sage Rosenfels
Oilers are 5-0
I'm at work

I seriously had been in a good mood the last couple of weeks, even with the Texans throwing every game down the toilet. Yesterday takes the fucking cake though. The Colts did everything to lose that game yesterday, and all but one Texans player did everything they could to win. The first fumble, I knew it was over. I figured 17 points would be hard for Peyton to do by himself, but when you spot him points for no fucking apparent reason at all, he is going to win. We would've had a better chance had we just knelt it 3 times and punted.

At this point, whats the point write about the blog rivarly anymore?
The Oilers can't be THAT good right?
I full expect a losing streak at some point in the season, followed by a appearance in the playoffs with a quick exit. That's just how they are.Much like the Texans are perceived as the team that will never be respected. Sure, we might catch you're team by surprise and win a game every now and then... For the most part, teams are going to come in ready for a win. They are going to try us on 4th down. They are going to throw downfield.

I don't want to write anymore, I kinda wish we go 0-16 so we can be in the record books. I just want to walk around saying we suck all day.

we suck we suck we suck
we suck
we suck
we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck
we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck
we suck we suck
we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck
we suck we suck
we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck we suck

I want to rub it in.

2008-10-03T09:07:00.003-05:00

How do you like it, faggots?
Yea. I'm talking about you Cub fan.
You're down 2-0 going to LA. Thank you!!!

Now I hope LA can close that out.

Next up: Boston.
Leave us from this post-season oh lord. And deliver us from the Papelbon, because thine is a faggot and a homo forever. Amen.

oh, and Youkalis is ugly.

In all seriousness. My night classes are totally fucking me from watching this. The Cubs and Brewers are both about to get owned in the post-season and I haven't watched one half inning of this shit yet.

Heres to the weekend. I no longer drink, but I'll raise my glass of tea or whatever to the sweeping sounds of the Phillies and Dodgers.

I have nothing.

2008-10-01T08:12:00.002-05:00

I don't want to speak.

Want my baseball post-season predictions?
No? Fuck it I have nothing anyway.

AL
Boston v LAA - Boston in 5
Chicago v Tampa - Rays in 6
Boston over Rays in 5

NL
LA over Chicago in 5 (THIS IS TOTALLY A FUCK THE CUBS PICK)
Milwaukee over Philly in 4
LA over Milwaukee in 7 (CC's arm finally shuts down for the season)

LA over Boston in 6, Manny killing the Sox all series.

Yes, this will not happen I know

In other news,

>Rage Against The Machine - who reformed last year - are to record a new full-length.
The band is in talks with former label Sony and the record is mooted for next year. A source said: "We're hopeful, but a new album is far from definite."
Clear as mud, then. Meanwhile, RATM will play their first UK gigs since their 2000 split at the Reading and Leeds fests this summer.

Speculation for the win. Please make another album. Even if it sucks in comparison, it still won't suck.

Thinking positive.

2008-09-24T11:38:00.003-05:00

Astros officially pulled the plug on the life-support last night.
Texans start off with two of the most uninspired losses I can remember.
My fantasy team just got dropped by a meaningless interception on the very last play of the monday night game.

Still in good spirits.

Stay strong Houston. Our Astros will field an even more mediocre team next year, and we will reluctantly cheer them on. The Texans probably have a few more years of crappy-ness in them, but thats ok. We will have our day in the sun. We will!!

(please don't let that day be when I'm like 76)

Someone tore out the silver lining.

2008-09-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

I'm not even sure I'm totally calmed from yesterday, but I'll tell you what... That was demoralizing. Was anyone playing besides Slaton? Didn't look like it to me.

Some thoughts that I would like to elaborate on, but nothing but garbage would come out of my mouth:

1. Why do we always save our worst performances for the Titans?
2. The Titans absolutely dominate the Texans year after shitty year.
3. Andre Johnson dropping 2 touchdown passes.
4. Matt Schaub? (this isn't a rhetorical question, this is a question I pose in 10 years after he's been forgotten)
5. I want to believe we are going to be fighting for something this year, but we look like a #1 pick team again.

So week three and the '08 blog-rivarly goes something like this:
Texans look terrible, go 0-2
Titans look pretty good and go 3-0
Titans beat Texans in first of two meetings.

Texans have their work cut out for them.

Favorite Minute Maid Park Moment!

2008-09-19T08:26:00.021-05:00

Ok. I know this is my 4th post for a Friday, and I probably wont even post again until Monday.

But!

I saw this post over on Deadspin about peoples favorite stories and moments from Yankee Stadium, before it gets torn down. I know Minute Maid isn't going anywhere, but I started getting all nostalgic so I wanted to share mine.

Please, anyone that reads, feel free to share theres. It's fun to hear other people's stories about that type of thing.

Astros clinch wildcard on game 161. It's early October 2004. The Astros are on fire, and playing a reeling Colorado Rockies squad that didn't give a SHIATE about playing baseball anymore. We are either tied, or a half game behind the Giants at the time, and they are playing the Dodgers. No one in our group was 21, so we didn't get to enjoy the 7 dollar beer festivities yet, but the game wasn't that great. It was that scoreboard we were watching. We must have been up 8-3 or so, and the Giants were winning their game against the Dodgers 3-0 in the ninth. "Fuck man! The Giants are going to win!"

"HEY THEY PULLED OUT THE 0 FOR THE DODGERS!!!"
"HOLY FUCK SOMEONE HIT A GRAND SLAM!!!!!!!!"

*crowd goes utterly insane*

That someone, my friends. Was Steve Finley.
Yes. That Steve Finley.

Your years here, you were a pretty good ball player. But Thanks for blowing that grand slam in the stands that year. Fucken. A.

Seen this?

2008-09-19T08:26:00.015-05:00

Makes me sad because the song would be cool if it was about the Astros. Houston needs a cultural icon (not Paul Wall please) to do something like this. Still like Vedder though.

Edit: Fuck the Cubs.

Re: Cowboys v Eagles

2008-09-19T08:26:00.007-05:00

Joe (cowboy fan) on the subject of offenses:

"The Eagles offense is horrible"

I would like to give this the most sarcastic 'THAT IS SO TRUE' that is possible. Did I see that score right, or did they put up 37 against the Cowboys? Are you going to write that one up as a defensive blunder on your own team?

No. The Eagles offense is not horrible. They aren't as good as the Cowboys, but the Eagles offense is not horrible.

On another Eagles related note: Kellner got totally fucked by that DeSean Jackson throwing the ball away thing. I think he would have been tied had he gotten the 4 points for the McNabb TD. Instead Westbrook got the TD, and well... That screwed me because I was playing Adam who had Westbrook!

And to all those sportscasters (read: Jay faggot Mariotti) that say Fantasy Football is stupid. Fuck you, i've never enjoyed watching relatively meaningless games ever before in my life. Rooting for the 49ers? What has this world turned to???

Say good night. Tomorrow will bring better fortunes.

2008-09-19T08:26:00.004-05:00

Heres a link to a google image search for the word fail.

Every picture listed is dedicated to the Astros play since Ike. I'm not blaming these guys for anything. Hey, you can't live in a lie forever, and those guys weren't a 14 of 15 game winner type of team. What I'm referring to as fail is the opportunity lost. Had we ---and before I say this, I know that baseball is much different than a sport where guts can factor in a lot more like football. I know guts and sheer will aren't going to help you hit a Zambrano heater--- stared adversity in the face, beat it with a fucking stick, and shoved it up the whole NL's ass... This would have been a national story. One we would tell our kids, and grandchildren. One almost as great as the Katrina/Saints thing (and even Houston had probably the most generous part in that whole thing, but who talks about that right?). Had we flown into Milwaukee and ripped 2 from the Cubs, and had gone to Florida riding a ridiculous high, the Astros would get a ton more positive attention in the national media.

Now? We are perceived as cry babies who blame a hurricane for our lost season.

Ike was rough on the area, but shouldn't be a factor in the season. Theres never one reason to blame anything in a 162 game season. If you're a BoSox fan, you can't even blame Bucky Dent's home run for that season... because weren't the Red Sox up by 8 games at the end of August?

The good thing about being an Astros fan, and all my friends with me that are Astros fan: Every year we honestly think its possible to win it all, and im looking forward to next year in our push for a world series. Even if I know in my heart of hearts its bullshit, I still like knowing it could happen.

Let's do it in '09!

On with the show.

2008-09-17T08:50:00.002-05:00

We can continue on with the Texans/Titans rivarly thing this week.
They play each other in Tennessee also.

There is no excuses from this hurricane shit. Not even for the Astros, but lets not go there.

If the Texans go to Nashville and stink the place up, there is none of this 'hurricane hangover' stuff. I know its terrible, and these guys have had a tough time with everything, but NAY! You are professional ball players. This is why you get paid that much money.

No Vince Young? That sucks. Kerry Collins is looking MUCH better than VY and that looks even worse for the Texans chances.

The Texans looked absolutely horrible against the Steelers. I really hope there is an explanation for that, and its not that we are just terrible. Look. It has been 6 years since we started. If we wait too much longer, we are no longer just a bad team. We are going to be a perennial loser such as the Lions/Cardinals. Houston does not deserve that. It's not our fault fucking Bud Adams moved our team away that actually had a history of winning.

One day the world will flip on itself. On that day the Cowboys and Titans will be 3-13 teams and the Texans will be 12-13 win teams. Here's hoping for that day to be sooner rather than later.

Get em Texans!

Ha ha

2008-09-16T08:27:00.002-05:00

This is just awesome

Stay classy, Cubs fans
Let me get this straight. Houston is ravaged by a hurricane and without power and ways to communicate. The Astros have to convene at Minute Maid Park early in the morning Sunday and navigate through the damage to fly to Milwaukee to play a "home" game against the Chicago Cubs. It was a stressful time for the Astros, whose homes were damaged, who had to leave their families behind and in the dark while wondering about the well-being of friends and relatives.

So what do Cubs fans do when the Astros take the field at Miller Park? They boo them. Nice going, Cubs fans. Most of America knew your true colors, and you just showed it once again. Not surprising. Maybe there's a reason you've been losers for 100 years. It's called karma. I'm sure if your fine city had been ravaged by two consecutive days of 90-degree temperatures, the fans of Houston would be more kind.

I just can't wait to see how the Cubs will blow it this year.

I should have just waited to post my opinion and linked his. He said it better.

You stay classy, Chicago.

2008-09-15T14:45:00.003-05:00

What is it?

Was there not enough death caused by the Hurricane to get any sympathy (we don't want it by the way, but any fucking decency would be nice)?
Was it because we're not making it easy enough on you by playing in your backyard, with a team that is most likely dead tired. A team worried about their homes and families instead of this game?

Or is it because the absolute trash your city breeds are just fucked up?

Booing a team when they take the field after all this that happened this weekend? Shouldn't you guys be fucking praising the Astros for this?

I guess I'm semi-hypocritical here, but It's not like I'm jumping for joy when Tom Brady gets hurt, or Katrina wrecks on New Orleans, or god forbid something terrible happens to the city of Chicago.

Crosby, Stills, & Splash

2008-09-15T08:43:00.003-05:00

Donovan said:

How do you feel about an angry post competition? Who can be more outraged and pissed off about the Astros having to play two 'home games' in Milwaukee?

You win this easily. I'm not even mad. Mainly because the Astros are pissing me off more trying to do this wildcard thing. A while back I alluded (is that right, can you allude to the future?) to the whole 'what if they run for the playoffs, and never fix the team' thing. This is Drayton's excuse to allow Ed Wade to be Ed Wade, and we spiral farther and farther down the toilet.

Heres something I've heard over the last 2 weeks.

Astros are the best team since the all-star break!

Are we? I don't feel like looking up stats or anything, but they don't look like the best team. I know they are winning, and giving people hope and all this. But this team? You put this team up against another playoff team for 3-5 games? Escaping even a first round series against the Diamondbacks/Dodgers would be catching some serious lightning in a bottle.

Playing in Milwaukee? Well... Why the fuck Milwaukee, isnt that like an hour away from Chicago? Couldn't find a more neutral site? Cubs fans are lucky football season started and my evil eye of Mordor is fixated on the cowboys. That no hit last night, after this blunder of a decision to give the Cubs 2 more home games (basically), would normally make me want to kill small children on the North side of Chicago.

Two games back. Never thought I would say that this year. Listen guys... here's what you need to do. 1. Ride this season out and win if you can keep winning. 2. MAKE SERIOUS PLANS TO FIX THE TEAM OVER THE NEXT FEW SEASONS. I love the fact that you guys aren't playing meaningless games, but the team is no good. I can't watch guys like Backe, Bourne, and Wolf and be optimistic about the future.

So yeah. I'm sure you can more than match that anger. Fuck the Cubs though. Especially Derek Lee. He can't be that good of a person can he? I bet hes a closet case pedofile that likes to beat his mother or something. Ok maybe not, but I hate when players on teams I hate be nice classy human beings. They are all suppose to be the evil bad guys right?

We're all going to die.

2008-09-12T12:52:00.005-05:00

This is my last post to the world.
It seems there is a storm in the Gulf that will bring death tolls similar to the holocaust.

So I will spend my last ever post talking about

Football! Fuck yea!

My kickoff weekend didn't turn out really how I wanted it to. I woke up in good spirits, ready to watch a (hopefully) good game with the Texans v Steelers. What happened? My dad said he had to watch the nascar race. ---TIMEOUT---

On a way off the track side note here. Fuck Nascar. Seriously. What the fuck is the sport good for? I've stayed more focused listening to an AutoCAD seminar for 6 hours. How do you not fall asleep to the hum of those engines and the guys with the fake accents yelling about lane changes? I missed the first game of the year because of that?

Ok. Anyways. It was real fun listening to Eric's comments in IRC that went something like:

Eric: lol parker in the endzone
Eric: dude parker in the endzone again, fuck you joe
Eric: throw it to hinez god damnit
Eric: LOL HINEZ TD

So Jonathan gets the edge this week, because the Titans did win (how the fuck by the way?). My consolation prize? VY is the talk of the town. Arod style! Come on fat cheeks, stop crying. How does the millions of dollars taste? the fame? the fact that you are a starting quarterback for an NFL team... fuck you.

You know what else makes me want to jump into a fucking volcano? A fantasy football tie. How do you fucking tie. Now I'm 0-0-1. Wonderful. Hey Bulger. Have fun on the bench you worthless fuck. Three points?

I'd also like to thank you Cleveland. Could you have made it any easier for those faggots? Although I am hoping that this gives them a false sense of superiority, and Philadelphia takes them out on Monday. Even with the injuries, I think philly shouldn't be just straight disregarded from people's outlook. In March if I woulda said the Rays would be winning the East you'd laugh at me right? Shit happens. And I hope that 'shit' happens to the Cowboys. And by shit I mean not even make the playoffs. And I like starting sentences off with And. And im pretty sure that is a bad way of writing.

So yeah. I'll see you guys in hell.

not in office

2008-09-04T08:25:00.001-05:00

im not in the office this week, and school is a bitch so i won't have time to really post anything this week

Black people are better than white people

2008-08-29T09:11:00.005-05:00

Because Stephen A. Smith says so, thats why.

or just the quote:

"But honestly, I'm not surprised to learn that so few blacks are among the 30 million people who participate in fantasy sports. I've always thought that a lot of these guys (and 96% of them are guys) are nerds desperately in need of more sociable leisure-time activities. Leisure time for black folks historically consists of direct interaction, the kind of experience you get at a family barbecue or hanging out with friends. Sitting in front of a computer screen pretending to be Bill Parcells? Sounds like work to me."

Whoah... Hold on buddy. Not only is this one of the most closed-minded things i've heard in the last 20 minutes or so, but you've totally missed the point of fantasy football all together. It is a sociable leisure-time activity. We DO have direct interaction, and its better than a FAMILY barbecue because your family is usually fucking annoying if you were to see them every Sunday. (rant about friends: you choose you're friends because you can, you're stuck with family.... ok back to regular rant). We are pretty damn sociable in our fantasy league.

Now... Onto a racist-ish rant.

Mr. Smith was asked to write about why so few black people choose not to play fantasy. (I like how at the end of the article he touches on the socio-economic issue, but its merely and afterthought considering he speaks for every black male in the world)

So, most of the fantasy players are white. This is well known. It's not an 'issue.' If you don't want to play I don't really care. Its the whole 'nerd, need more social activity, comparing it to how black folk are' thing. I really hate how generalizations like this can come from a black man when this can get me in a heap of trouble:

"Most of the players in the NBA are black, and I've always thought of these guys as thugs in need of more education and less guns/drugs/felonies/(insert other generalizations of NBA players)"

More hate on Dallas soon, when there is actually more than meaningless Astro games on.

Something is wrong with this picture.

2008-08-25T14:22:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure the Bucs and the Lightning have both won the big one this decade.

Not feeling very confident.

2008-08-25T08:46:00.002-05:00

For my fantasy team that is.

My first WR pick, Braylon Edwards, cut his foot last week playing without shoes and its a lingering thing. I'm hoping hes a pro about it.

Dieon Branch may not even play this year! What the fuck is that?

Antonio Gates has a toe injury that I never heard about, and he hasn't played in the preseason

Marc Bulger has been having problems in the preseason also.

The good thing is we are playing a 10 team playoffs this year, so anything can happen at the end of the season, as long as I'm not in that last 4 slots.

And so Year 2 begins.

Is Losing 'OK'?

2008-08-21T11:14:00.003-05:00

I was listening to the radio and I heard a man preach about losing, and how it was ok if you gave 100%. I'm just going to throw my opinion out on this one without a care in the world. If I had more than one reader I would put a poll up on this.

Fuck that.

It's not 'OK.' You lost. Suck it the fuck up. Just admit that you lost, and try your fucks best to win the next time. Instead of telling these kids its ok, 'oh its ok honey, you gave it your hardest.' Fuck that. Heres a conversation I would have with my on child if I had said child.

"Listen son. You lost, it's not ok. It's a shame, but you can't be let off the hook with these 'you tried your hardest' shit. Try harder next time. "

This mentality is just another one of those pussifying America mentalities.

hmm, ok thats about it.

Captain! Engage hyperbolic rockets!

2008-08-19T08:13:00.002-05:00

ENGAGED!

note: the headline to this on the frontpage actually says "Meet the best-kept secret in the NFL "

That headline got my head turning before I even clicked on the link. The best kept secret? Really? Will he be a good pick up for my fantasy draft? Oh man I gotta read this.

If I am starting an NFL team, and I can pick one player to lead my franchise for now and in the future, I'm taking Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu.

Oh.

That's right. You take your quarterback or the stud running back for your fantasy team or the defensive player who does soup commercials or likes to dance after a sack.
Give me 26-year-old Lofa Tatupu.

I wish I could have been next to this guy as he was writing this sentence. All I would need is a megaphone to shout in his ear... the loudest WRONG!!!! he would ever hear, possibly destroying his eardrums in the process.

Question: Who is your #1 pick in a hypothetical draft of current active NFL players?

Sane person answer: Tom Brady (before I bash his knee caps)

Insane person answer: Lofa Tatupu

Theres alot of arguments to be made here, and not everyone would agree with me .. .. but .. ..

What would you rather have?

1. Lofa Tatupu on a decent defense, with an offense headed up by Rex Grossman, Tavaris Jackson, or David Carr.

or

2. Tom Brady on a decent offense, with an average defense such as the Texans?

Answer number 1 and you have failed at life (again).

Shirt

2008-08-15T10:53:00.004-05:00

I've made a shirt.
Actually, I make shirts all the fucken time...

you can view all them here

But I've made this shirt:

I'm thinking of wearing this every Sunday that I go to a bar. Just to see what happens. Maybe it will be a cool experiment or my ultimate death by the hands of a crazed mexican cowboy fan mob. edit: if for some reason you can't read it, it says... Dallas Cowboy Fan? Die in a fire please.

*hate

Obligatory Prediction Post

2008-08-14T09:30:00.005-05:00

...or OPP as I like to call it... are you down with . .. sorry

Well fine readers (read: Jonathan ("Donovan") & Jason ("Kix") (maybe Adam("Mitch")) god I love parentheses) its almost football time. That means its time for predictions. I'm only doing the NFL this year because, well because there are just way too many fucking teams in college. LET'S GET IT ON!

note: the records I post make no sense in the big picture, because the league Win-Loss record will not match up to this. It's just a way for me to look good (or really bad) at the end of the season.

AFC:

North:
Steelers 11-5 - Division still sucks.
Bengals 10-6 - Little bit of bounceback im thinking
Browns 8-8 - They sort of caught lightning in a bottle last year (or maybe a spark?) they won't repeat the near playoff appearance type season
Ravens 6-10 - Pffft.

East:
Patriots 14-2 - Any doubt of this is stupid.
Jets 9-7 - Farve? Still don't care.
Bills 6-10 - Who the fuck cares about the Bills?
Dolphins 4-12 - Yeah well.

South:
Jaguars 13-3 - This team looks solid.
Colts 10-6 - This may be the downfall.
Texans 9-7 - This is about as optimistic as I can be.
Titans 7-9 - Fuck the Titans.

West:
Chargers 11-5 - I can see them choking games.
Chiefs 9-7 - I see a bounce back
Broncos 6-10 - Yeah whatever, terrible
Raiders 3-13 - There is no future for this team

NFC

North:
Vikings 11-5 - This is there oppurtunity to get it done
Packers 9-7 - This is a total fucken guess, bears and lions are terrible so its not that bad
Bears 7-9 - And that is with some luck probably
Lions 5-11 - Kitna the crazy buzzed head christian interception machine!

East:
Cowboys 13-3 - Son....Of...A...BITCH! Die in a fucking fire.
Redskins 10-6 - I like their chances this year... sort of.
Giants 8-8 - Meh, won't fluke it again.
Eagles 6-10 - McNabb goes down again in week 3, bank on it.

South: (NFC south and west are wastes of time but I'm gonna guess at it anyway)
Saints 10-6 - saint fan: "who dat say gon beat them" SHUT THE FUCK UP
Bucs 8-8 - ?
Panthers 5-11 - Don't pick up Jake Delhome (sp?) in the draft!
Falcons 3-13 - (Laughs)

West:
Rams 10-6 - Random off the wall, They shouldn't be that fucking bad.. kinda guess
Seahawks 8-8 - Every year they find a way, fuck that this year.
Cardinals 7-9 - I forget these guys exist... frequently.
49ers 5-11 - Alex Smith... har har

And... I'm spent
Lets see how shitty I do when January comes around!

Poor poor (Devil) Rays.

2008-08-13T08:11:00.002-05:00

They drop the Devil and all of a sudden they are fucken good.

Then what do you know... the one fucking time they were doing good, their 2 best position players go down roughly at the same time. These guys aren't coming back anytime soon. Carl Crawford fractured his wrist. You don't just ice that shit down. Longoria... well he was on a tear, now hes watching from the bench.

I think they should sign Barry Bonds. Why the fuck not, he could just DH if anything. He's the best available option. I'm confident he could come in right now out of shape and do pretty damn well.

I would just like to thank the Gods for fucking with me on this. I really believed the Rays were headed to the playoffs, and I was looking forward to NOT seeing the Yankees in October. Well, maybe the Twins can fend off the Yankees for the wild card.

Never-the-less, we are still in for the inevitable Red Sox playing in the playoffs and Papelbon doing some kind of Irish dance and blah blah blah blah. Fuck Boston. Fuck New York. Fuck San Antonio. And Fuck Dallas. WHERES HOUSTON. I WANT TO BE RELEVANT!

god damnit

I disagree. And you suck cockz!!11!!eleven!1

2008-08-08T08:07:00.003-05:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8390368/This-year,-wild-card-is-hurting,-not-helping?MSNHPHCP&GT1=39002

Sure, the wild card has added drama to the regular season and engaged more fans in more cities. However, let's not forget that the wild card comes with a cost. That cost is the division race between two or more truly great teams. Think about it: In the wild-card era, when two division rivals are among the best teams in the game there's often less at stake because the second-place team has the wild card berth to fall back on. Remember the classic NL West race of '93, when the 104-win Braves won the division and the 103-win Giants failed to make the postseason? Those days are mostly over, thanks to the "hedge effect" of the wild card.

Would anyone agree with this? I don't even like his evidence he provides to back up his opinion. It was good that a 103 win team didn't make the playoffs, because of a regular season race? Wouldn't it be even more excited had their been a Wild Card at that time and the two teams met? Division races are division races, the wild card doesn't change that too much. You still want that banner right? I see his point, but he wrote a whole article on the matter. No way should you argue that it was better before. So instead of 4 teams in the playoffs there would be 3. Fuck that. I like the playoffs. I like seeing wild cards threaten incumbent division winners. It's dramatic, it makes even greater storylines than this 103 no postseason Giants shit, and it makes great baseball happen.

Oh and dick piss fuck ass. Fuck your midget mom in the eye, piss on her face, and stab her with a pencil in the cunt.

/post sucked without more cussing

Metallica challange

2008-08-07T09:08:00.002-05:00

In honor of going to ozzfest and seeing Metallica for the first time in my life im going to listen to every Metallica song in chronological order (by album I mean)

First up is Kill 'em All. This should be fun.

Deadspin commenter hits nail on head.

2008-08-07T08:10:00.002-05:00

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns at 07:02 AM

Patriots @ Jets. Jets @ Patriots.

Here's to rooting for the meteor.

And he's a Jet. If you don't know "he" you suck, fuck you and that nuclear bunker you've been living in for the past month. "Here's to rooting for the meteor." Now usually I go with the old "How cool would it be if a plane full of explosives crashed onto the field?" but meteor works too. What better spot to put an aging hall of fame quarterback. Now not only will have a huge problem getting ready on a new time in very minimal time, but even guys who are on the top of their game would have trouble finding success on the J-E-T-S. Yes Jet fan, you have even more of a reason now to yell that for no fucking reason. After you pick horrendously at the draft, yell it anyway, fuck it!

Here's my ultimate sports disaster that would work in my favor:

The Cowboys are playing the Patriots, in Wrigley field somehow right. The Yankees plane has the underbelly secretly stored with C4, it is flying over Chicago. It is Cubs night at the ball park and the full squad is getting introduced midfield by Manu Ginobli.

Mayday! Mayday!

What's yours?

Stop!

2008-08-05T08:22:00.002-05:00

Astros, please don't do this.
If I may try to put what your doing into a metaphor:
Your punching a pencil hole into a giant black blanket blocking the light. Ooo that was a terrible attempt.

You're going to give Drayton and Wade (and whoever else that still thinks every year can be '05) the hope they need to continue to butcher the fucking team.

Great. You're winning series and sweeping the Mets, and shutting teams out.
This is what Drayton needs to hear: every. team. gets. hot.
Every team gets hot once in a while. This is not the team clicking. This is not the team turning around the season and swooping down from the sky and snatching a wild card.

You know what the scariest thought is? The Astros finishing a few games out of the wild card.
Can you imagine the optimism Drayton would have after a finish like that? Enough optimism to sign pitchers. Pitchers like Woody Williams, Randy Wolf, LaTroy Hawkins, Dan Miceli, Jason Jennings.............................

Operator: 911 What's your emergency?

Caller: Yes theres a man here that seems to have shot himself in the head while simultaneous swallowing a cyanide pill! I think he's dead!

Operator: (background) god damnit another one. Yes sir, all our emergency services are busy dealing with the mass suicides around town.

---------

Ed Wade: Drayton sir! There have been mass suicides around town after the news our new signings.

Drayton McLane: Fuck 'em, it doesn't matter! Theres enough Mets, Cardinals, Cubs, and Dodger fans to fill them seats. We allready cater to them better than our own fans. Now go fire all those negro fellas working the gates!!

I watched football last night.

2008-08-04T22:38:00.002-05:00

Yes.
I watched Colt Brennan throw passes to some random 3rd string WR.
I watched second string special teams drop routine balls.
I watched Mike Hart run in a NFL uniform.

I watched a whole bunch of pointless shit.

And it was great.

Hold your balls!

2008-07-31T12:00:00.002-05:00

Its the TRADE DEADLINE BITCHES

Griffey to Sox. My friend is a white sox fan. Fuck him. I don't see where he fits in, and hes basically Richie Sexson now. Grade this a 4.

Pudge to Yankees. Fuck you Pudge. Fuck you Tigers... You get Farnsworth for a hall of fame catcher? God I hate the Yankees.

Manny (this is a maybe by the time I posted this) to Marlins, Jason Bay to Red Sox. I don't even know what to think of this. Manny has been being gay for a while now, not trying and bitching out of games. But you don't replace Manny. Even putting Jason Bay in there is like taking away Lance with the Astros and replacing him with Aubrey Huff. Manny in Florida... Well I guess that adds power in there.

LaTroy Hawkins (35 years old, designated for assignment by the Yankees) traded to who? The Astros? what for? Another 22 year old minor leaguer who was still a good prospect? Really? Have they ever done that before?

Ron Artest to Rockets.

I hated this deal at first. Really really hated it. But now that I really sit down and look at the upside to this, it could work out. Our defense could be pretty lockdown tight, and Ronron can score if he needs to. We have our legitimate 3rd threat. Too bad that is all a fucking dream when Tmac goes down in like game 12 and Yao goes down in like game 28 and Artest gets pissed because we suck and fights all the police outside the lockeroom.

And Vernon Maxwell comes out of nowhere and stabs someone!

/tired of typing randomly

Most annoying division rivals.

2008-07-29T09:24:00.002-05:00

Here's my list from 5 to 1.

5. Cardinal Fan
Yes we know you won the series in '06. Great. Stop coming to Astro games and annoying the piss out of me.

4. Maverick Fan
Fuck your city right in the ass, friend. Congratulations on having the absolute worst owner in professional sports. Enjoy always believing you are competitive when in reality you are not.

3. Spur Fan
Thanks Spurs. You know what you have done? You have no Mexicans on your team, but you sure did give them a shitload to be cocky about over the last decade or so. So much that it bleeds into my city. So much that I sit next to these fuckers all the time at my favorite watering holes and listen to the cocky motherfuckers mouth off about how bad ass Manu is. YOU MEAN THIS GUY? Fuck him.

2. Titan Fan
Where do I begin? How about the fact that you fuckers have just about as many fans in Houston as you do in Tennessee. I'm starting to believe that Vince Young was more of a marketing ploy towards Houston than an actual quarterback pick. Now you have 2 generic fans around here.

1. Angry that the team moved fan, yet still follows them like they are still in the fucking dome.

2. Retarded football fan who liked Vince Young enough to be a fan of a team that is over 800 miles away, instead of a team that plays on Kirby.

Now Titan fan. You get on our sports radio stations, and scream and yell about things that we do not care about. The team is 857 miles away from Houston. I'm pretty sure the Baltimore Orioles are not a big sports topic in Toronto, Canada.

1. Cub Fan

I don't need to explain this. You brainwashed wastes of human flesh are ruining this planet.

"McHenry County authorities say three Chicago Cubs fans face felony battery charges after allegedly beating a Chicago White Sox fan so badly he lost his right eye. The men are accused of beating 32-year-old Robert Steele of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl's Sesame Street-themed birthday party. Police said Monday the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19th party and taunting Steele."

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-080728-cubs-sox-fight,0,4148340.story

/cynicism

Our First 'show'

2008-07-28T08:23:00.002-05:00

Went pretty good I would say. I wasn't out there listening to it, but we had a lot of praise. I did fuck my solo up during our second to last song and I was really pissed. After we were done I start drinking hard. Then we decided to do a drunk set, during which I fucked up the solo again and went apeshit crazy flipping tables over and such. Dumb and retarded, no more vodka for this guy.

Wednesday rant

2008-07-23T14:43:00.003-05:00

When's the last time the Astros finished last in their division? 1991.

How many times has that happened in the history of the Astros since 1965? 3 times.

We are well on our way to the fourth time.

I know one thing that Drayton hates, is losing people in those stands. We here in Houston are pretty fickle when it comes to going to games. I'm not too eager to go spend a bunch of money watching dog shit. Big market teams can handle it, Houston cannot. Maybe circling the toilet is good for the team. I just wish someone would put the words 'farm system' into his ears.

Who doesn't like home grown talent? Biggio... Bam, everyone loved him for 20 fucken years. Hunter Pence? He's not even getting talked down upon having the mediocre year he is having. Carlos Lee, Tejada, Kaz Matsui? Who are these guys again? Traded to us because we have gullible GM's? Oh. Ok.

I'm really fucking excited about football season. I'll most likely be single for the first time during football season in like 4 years. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with myself. Saturday and Sunday full of football? Lord, I plead with you, don't allow myself to become an alcoholic.

Texans... Well, what can you say. Maybe we are playing in the toughest division in football. Close call since the NFC east is pretty beastly aslo. I'll give it to them for trying to be competitive. Atleast we're not the Cardinals.

Texas Tech is 50-1 to win the national championship... FUCK THAT. If they even sniff the big 12 championship I will go to Lubbock and throw a puke bomb into the students dorms.

I've been listening to alot of "metalcore." I don't know what that means really, but August Burns Red, As I lay Dying, All that Remains, and Bullet for my Valentine have some really kick ass guitars. Is it called metalcore because its a requirement to have a band name that is a sentenc?. (Fail Warning: Our band is named 'Down To The Middle'. This wasn't deliberate, it was a sentence spouted out in a car.)

Big party this weekend. Excited to play in front of people for the first time. Excited to hear alot of musicians play. Excited to see what Adam and the Keysers have come up with in their 17 year hiatus. Too bad you live so far away Jonathan, it's probably going to be pretty kick ass.

/wednesday rant off

Another favorite list.

2008-07-17T08:44:00.007-05:00

Favorite Geetars!

5. Ibanez RG7321 7-string

RG's in general, but I have no need for yet another 6 String with a floyd rose, so I would prefer the 7-string. B-standard tuning! Seriously. Power.

4. Schecter C-1 Hellraiser w/ Floyd Rose. I own this guitar, and its awesome. Affordable, Powerful, and its pretty as hell.

3. Dimebag's Confederate flag Dean ML. I really don't need to say anymore. Guitars were scared of Dime because he made them his bitch.

James Hetfield's signature ESP Explorer. Win. Alot of people would think the diamond plate was overdone, but shit I would rock THE FUCK OUT OF THIS GUITAR!

1. Zakk Wylde's Signature "Bullseye" Gibson/Epiphone Les Paul. I will own both the Gibson and Epiphone models one day. Yes. Yes I will.

Josh Hamilton. Jesus? Zeus?

2008-07-15T11:40:00.002-05:00

?

Rate him:
Is he Jesus: Vote 1
Is he Zeus: Vote 2
Is he only a Demigod: Vote 3
Is he someone who happened to have great skill regardless of what drugs he's taken in his life and just so happened to "find religion" and supposedly have a dream about competing in the home run derby: DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS ONE IT IS WRONG! HE IS JESUS!

Don't you agree? Jesus is the only one (who is burdened with human arms) to launch a ball into the Yankee Stadium seats 28 times in the first round of the home run derby. I'm serious. I saw it on baseball-reference.com. Therefore, if my middle school algebra is correct, Josh Hamilton = x and Jesus = x then x = x and Josh Hamilton = Jesus.

Insert Gender At Work

2008-07-10T13:43:00.003-05:00

Across Atlanta they stood, orange signs with black letters that read "Men At Work" or "Men Working Ahead."

Sometimes, the signs stood next to women working alongside the men.
Good demanded Atlanta officials remove the signs and last week, Atlanta Public Works Commissioner Joe Basista agreed.

Score one for gender equality, Good said Wednesday.

"They get it," Good said about the city in a telephone interview.

Public Works officials are replacing 50 "Men Working" with signs that say "Workers Ahead." It will cost $22 to cover over some of the old signs and $144 to buy new signs, said Public Works spokeswoman Valerie Bell-Smith said.

http://www.ajc.com/gwinnett/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2008/07/09/men_working_signs_atlanta.html

Appparently, this is not a joke. Way to go cunt. Noble fight! Also... The Spanish signs all over town that I can't read... thats kind of offensive to me. Of course, I say that... and I'm automatically labeled a racist.

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible idea.

Album thingy idea from Donovan @ DC

2008-07-08T07:54:00.003-05:00

http://dookie-cigar.blogspot.com/2008/07/cool-idea-from-av-club.html
An album from each year you were alive.

1983 - Metallica - Kill 'Em All: enough said
1984 - Van Halen - 1984: Hot for teacher? Panama? RIP Old Eddie.
1985 - Slayer - Hell Awaits: This is the audible version of any Rob Zombie horror movie.
1986 - Metallica - Master of Puppets: What can I say... Me likes the 80s Metallica.
1987 - Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction: Slash! Before he was a tool!
1988 - Metallica - To Live is to Die: ok ok ok enough with the Metallica... This is my favorite album of all time.
1989 - Nirvana - Bleach: Can you feel my love buzz?
1990 - Tough to decide... Can I have 2? Megadeth Rust In Peace and Pantera Cowboys from Hell
1991 - Pearl Jam - Ten: When we all wanted to mumble like Vedder
1992 - Rage Against the Machine - Self Titled: Hall of famer. Would sit in the cd player on repeat for days.
1993 - Nirvana - In Utero: Was that Kris on the CD with all the girls underwear on? I don't remember its been forever.
1994 - Soundgarden - Superunknown: Yea!
1995 - Alice in Chains - Self Titled: I did like Mellon Collie from the Pumpkins around this time also.
1996 - Sublime - Sublime: One of the ones I ruined playing so much. I see that the Cake album everyone and their mom had came out in 1996, just for a notable mention. Rage - Evil Empire also.
1997 - Bone Thugs N Harmony - The Art of War: I can still jam some Bone Thugs every now and then
1998 - Kid Rock - Devil Without a Cause: This one hurts to say. What can you do? The 1998 version of myself was a Dbag.
1999 - Rage - The Battle of Los Angeles: Rocked.
2000 - A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms - Cop out pick.
2001 - System of a Down - Toxicity:
2002 - Audioslave - Self titled: Man this CD sucks to me now, but I was so happy to have this band at the time.
2003 - The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium: This was more of something I listened to later. I didn't even know about them until 2005, but this album was fucking awesome.
2004 - Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache: *headbang*
2005 - Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness: Epic
2006 - Bullet for my Valentine - The Poison: This was released in 2005, but didn't really make it to the U.S. until 2006. Anyways, the riffs and solos are fucking awesome.
2007 - I don't know if I just limit my music exposer now, or everything just sucks. The only album that really didn't depress me was the first album of Hellyeah entitled Hellyeah. It's good, but shouldn't be listed here.
2008 - Metallica album suppose to be released in September this year. If this is any less dissapointing than St. Anger, then it will be in this spot.

Dear lord that took forever.

Do you know what this is?

2008-07-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

This is me. Getting my fucking ass handed to me on Nintendo's RBI Baseball.

This is Jason throwing a PERFECT GAME in one of those most ridiculously crafted baseball games ever. I've score 20 runs in an inning before. This is the first perfect game I've ever seen. Hell its the first no hitter I've ever seen. God damnit. I fought my way back up through the losers bracket after this... only to play Jason again in the semi's and he then throws a 2 hitter. Beats me on a NOLAN RYAN TRIPLE IN THE EIGHTH - 1-0. 18 innings... 3 total runs for both teams. Fucking Nintendo.

Random Ramblings. Wednesday Edition.

2008-07-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

Lebron loves Brooklyn?
That'll kill the speculation.

Link

I really enjoy watching New York fail after trying to buy every free agent that is available.

Yankees - Largest payroll... Suck.
Knicks - Huge payroll... they still have scrubs and suck.
Giants/Jets - The NFL is better at free agency buying.

Jeter is talking up Chacon and wants him in a Yankees uniform. I guess, maybe they have a relationship from when he was on the Yankees. However... Why the fuck would you want him? An ERA on the wrong side of 5 with a very bad habit of throwing way too many fucking pitches. That is pitching for the Astros. He lost his starting spot on the worst starting rotation in the history of the fucking world. Actually, fuck New York... Pick 'em up!

Brad Lidge update: 1-0 / 33 innings in 33 games / 19 Saves / THREE EARNED RUNS (0.82 ERA) / No home runs given up (This is fucking July 2nd) / 44 ks to 15 walks / 1.061 WHIP

You asshole, you couldn't figure this shit out last year?

Went to the Astros game last night. What can you say? Watching Jeff Kent hit a game winning home run in the 11th was pretty bitter tasting. However, the streak of "witnessing someone get smacked in the fucking face by a foul ball" continues onto year 2. Can't wait until next year to see if we can make it 3.

I'm trying to find a Wii... These things have been out for nearly 2 years, yet they are sold out everywhere still? How is this fucking possible. I used to have one, and I sold it... stupid me.

Today's unofficial sponser brought to you by random junk mail quote "Tight wet slit and ass double reamed outdoors racedoor"

On the whole Chacon thing.

2008-06-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

http://deadspin.com/5019832/shawn-chacons-guide-to-punching-your-boss-in-the-face

Apparently this is going to be as big in the media today than that Kobe/Shaq thing.

A caller just called up to sports radio 610, claiming Chacon's actions were justified because he was "protecting his manhood."

... ...

I'm pretty sure your boss can cross the line on stuff you can say to people. He's your boss. You cannot choke slam him. Being towards the bottom of the hierarchy, you have to expect verbal diarrhea dropped upon your head.

The caller claims that civilized people have to take action on name-calling.
So me being a civilized person, expect the next time someone calls my mom a name, I'll be sure to head butt them off a very tall building.

WRONG

2008-06-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

Invalid reasons to be a Cowboys fan in Houston:

1. "They are America's Team!"

NO. They are not America's Team. If you don't live in Dallas and this is your reason for being a Cowboys fan, then you do not like sports. In fact, you're fooling yourself in believing you are a sports fan. Quit watching sports, and quit talking about sports because you just failed life.

2. "They're way better than the Texans!"

Benedict Arnold has this mentality. Pretty sure he had to flee to England.

3. You like Tony Romo

Fail.

4. You're from Dallas.

Go back.

Where is football season?

2008-06-25T10:13:00.000-05:00

Every year I think June won't be that bad.
EVERY FUCKING YEAR I FEEL THIS SAME WAY.

Here's a typical Friday for single 24 year old such as myself:
Phonecall...
Someone: Hey, wanna go to the bar?
Me: Ok, shit why not.

10 minutes later

Me: Ok. Astros losing again. Thats fine... hey something else is on thats fun to watch right. La crosse? Thats seriously on t.v.? Classic gladiators?

Drink too much and pass out from bordem.

Atleast during football season it's easy to start up a never-ending hot-tempered conversation about how Oregon has a great team, or how the Patriots will blow it again. Why? Because its everywhere during football season. All around you people have some opinion.

September comes around and football is in full force, and baseball is winding down to the nitty gritty. Too bad the Astros are on suicide watch in June.

Hopeful Texans prediction: 10-6 winning the Wild Card.
Probable: 8-8 again, 3rd in division.

Concerning College football... I like the 'Horns and all, but does anyone else think they are running on fumes? Where's the star power? Tech has beefed up, and who knows what Sherman can do in college station... OU will forever be the fucking yankees of the big 12.

in the words of Money May: "Step yo GAME UP" UT

/ramble off

Back in the office!

2008-06-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

Been working outside for the past whatever. It sucks. Fucking hot. Hate it.

Back in the office and more coming soon.

R.I.P. Mr. Carlin also

/sad face

Cubs.

2008-06-05T15:50:00.000-05:00

The Cubs bother me. Their fans show up at MMP in droves. I ask: what the fuck? Now they are pretty fucking good. I wish (if the Astros just have to suck) that the Pirates or the Reds would win the division instead of the Cubs/Cardinals. Sometimes I forget they are even in the division.

Worst case scenario for world series: Cubs v Yankees. I'm not sure I could handle that. The Yankees are in bad shape, but somehow they always fucking make it to the playoffs. If the Yankees or Red Sox don't make it to the post-season (and in New York, those people can't even imagine what that feels like anymore) the world would come to a sudden stop.

I would have to root for the Cubs. I would throw up, but it would still be better than cheering for the Yankees. Secretly I would wishing the two teams planes would collide mid-flight. Oh who am I kidding, I would yell it across the bar every inning.

Here's wishing the Cubs fans would stay the fuck in Chicago.

Quest for Shred Post #dos

2008-06-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

Sweep Picking.
Instead of explaining it... I'll let this guy do it. This guy really helped me when I got started. Just moving your right hand back and forth in that motion really really helped. Even if I felt it was futile at the time.

But I'll post up the guitar pro files for the excerises I use. And post up my progress. Maybe one day someone (Jason!) will actually read through these and get more of an understanding... if said reader is inclined.

Honestly. If this is a technique a guitarist wants to utilize, then that guitarist should start doing the technique (and this applies to all techniques really) a.s.a.p. One of my biggest regrets was thinking something was too hard and putting it off. I'm still a newb to all this, but after a few months of sounding this shit on this I've progressed, albeit slowly.

From now on... I'm just going to post guitar pro 5 files. So to my non-existant readers... Go to your favorite bitTorrent site, and download guitar pro 5. Link to my two sweep picking exercises.

The two exercises are a 5 string sweep, and a 3 string sweep, with some extra alternate picking in there. It's actually the intro to an Atreyu song called "Bleeding Mascara." It's a weird time, 12/8, and they are 8th notes... so the max speed on that one is 265 bpm which would be around 130 if played in 16th notes. The 5 string sweep is just an arpeggio, 16th notes. If you don't know what any of that means, who cares. Just do it, and it will all come in time.

How I practice these:
If totally new to sweep picking then watch the video and start to get the motion down. Once I was ready to actually do a sweep... I take the guitar pro file, and turn the tempo down to something I can play, gradually increasing the tempo until I mess up. When I find my optimum speed, I practice that until I can move up 5 bpm. Rinse + repeat. Slow, accurate, and clean progress. Cannot stress this enough, even if I have a hard time following my own advice sometimes. Do it!

Personal progress as of June 1:
That 3 string shape I've gotten to 100% but its not as clean as it could be, so I'll say im around 90% through with that shape.
That 5 string shape I can do about 90 bpm, with a goal of probably 140.

Hopefully, motivation comes back. I've had a real hard time this week with getting into my schedule. Next post will be another lick I'm stealing from Kirk Hammett.

Karma is going to destroy Boston.

2008-05-30T18:17:00.000-05:00

Does it get any better than living in Boston right now? Sports wouldn't even exist in America without us. I wonder if a Boston team isn't in the Finals whether it even count as a World Championship? It's like that age old question if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it does it make any noise?-www.barstoolsports.com

I'm pretty fucking sure this means Boston is going to either: A. Be the first struck with a nuclear bomb. B. Have every team in Boston set the record for losses in a season. or C. Have an infestation of gays to be the homo city of the world. (So we could make fun of them and humiliate them all day every day.)

You see. That would even work... Any of those options, those cockmasters from Boston would say something to effect: "I'm gonna make a shirt that says 'First! Nuclear Bomb hit!'" or maybe they would take pride and brag about how many gay people were there, had said gays infested their city.

It was less than a year ago and I was rooting for the Red Sox in the world series, because damn I don't like the Rockies.... I can't believe I actually did that. I need a scarlet letter because I fail at life.

Indians.

2008-05-30T08:59:00.001-05:00

Amazon Indians from one of the world's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed from the air, with striking images released on Thursday showing them painted bright red and brandishing bows and arrows

Is this real? (Also is this front page news?) This looks like some kind of bad indian movie. Or a crappy video game. Painted whole body bright red huh? Sweet. Firing wooden arrows at a metal aircraft... Reminds me of Diablo II.

Also. There's no room in this world for these people. I would love to give them some hand woven rugs with small pox. Whos with me?

/cynicism

I don't know why this is so funny...

2008-05-28T10:59:00.000-05:00

But damn does this make me laugh:

Something about Casey Kasem... I'm not sure, but I laugh at the weirdest parts of that clip. Listen to when he says "please." Thats the please that is when you've had a shitty day and you'd rather take a bullet in the head instead of doing you're job.

What happened to all the pictures I was suppose to see?

Damn. Ja Ja Ja.

J.R. Towles

2008-05-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

2007 - 40 AB 15 Hits
2008 - 115 AB 16 Hits

I believe this would constitute bad news. All over bad news.

Did they just move Adam Everett to catcher and change his name?

By the way, A.E. is mashing! .189 BA with a 56 OPS+

(J.R. is a whopping 47)

Just to give you a comparision... Kaz Matsui has a 90 OPS+, and thats a little china man.

Quest for Shred. Post 1

2008-05-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

These posts will all be tagged "Shred." So when they get buried by random sports posts, or me bitching about how much I hate cowboy fans... just click on the link to the right that says Shred Posts.

Well this is the first one. My practice schedule currently includes too much stuff to write about in one post. So I'm going to break it down 1 thing at a time. I stole this lick from Kirk Hammett on the song "Sad But True." It's a good one for a couple reasons: It works strict Alternate Picking, its great for vertical movement on the fretboard, and it can be transposed from any position on the neck. I don't want to get too involved in theory on here, because I'm no theory master, but what I mean by transpose is that this lick in the format its in now is in the D minor pentatonic scale. If you were to move it up the neck so that it would read 12-10-12 instead of 14-12-14 that would be the C minor pentatonic scale.

Let me break down how I practice this. First of all... if you listen to anyone around they say "YOU MUST PRACTICE WITH METRONOME OMG !@11ELEVEN!!!" Well, they are kind of right in my opinion. However, I fucking hate metronomes. They drive me crazy. I do believe its important to get build speed slowly and surely with some sort of beat you can change. This is why I use the program Guitar Pro. That picture up there is actually a screen shot of guitar pro. I take the song "Sad But True" and turn the tempo down and slowly increase until I fuck up. Then I practice the fastest I can do the lick cleanly and accurately. Rinse and Repeat until one day I can say... damn I moved up 5 beats per minute from last week! So if you hate metronomes like me, get guitar pro and use the drums in the song... The only thing I stress is turning off the guitar thats playing that lick so you hear YOURSELF playing it, and not the computer. Once I get a video camera I'll illustrate this better, but for now text will have to do.

On to the lick itself. This is done with strictly alternate picking. This means that after EVERY downstroke there is a following up stroke. Down-Up-Down-Up-Down-Up. It may seem more convienent if you move down a string to use 2 down strokes, but that is another technique called "Economy picking." This may take a while going really slow to get used to. It took me fucking forever just to learn the lick before I could even play it with the backing track.

Personally I start this with an upstroke. John Petrucci would say practice everything starting with both ups and downs, but frankly I don't have that much time. Starting on the upstroke with my ring finger for the 14th fretted notes, and index for the 12th fretted notes until the fragment that is 12-12-13-12-13-15-15-15. I switch that to Index for the 12's, Middle for the 13's, and pinky for the 15's. As far as the bend in there... I bend it up with my ring finger and move on to that next fragment.

Currently. I am stuck on 75 beats per minute on this lick. The song is played at a 93 beats per minute tempo, so I am about 3/4 the way there. Honestly the first time I played this I could do 65 pretty cleanly, and after 3 weeks i've moved up to 70-75 cleanly... slow progress, but I see no other way of accomplishing shred level speed without going through this.

Next time I will share one of my sweep picking exercises.

Ultimate slap in your face.

2008-05-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

This is B Lidge saying fuck you, really really loud, to Houston.

I hope for, our sakes, we have the lead in the ninth.

Granted, I did see him load up the bases one night and get out of it with a double play.

On a side note... I will soon be posting weekly updates on my quest for shred. When I get a video camera I'll be uploading vids of my practice routine to share to others. To shed some light on that fact that novice guitar players can work the skills needed to reach their goals. Hopefully, I can help others who are frustrated with speed, acuracy, and dullness of their sound (which is me). Searching around the internet for advice is useless, its either people who have no clue, or people who've allready achieved their goals trying to teach to others. Back to it.

Quote

2008-05-20T16:45:00.000-05:00

After Lester's no hitter last night

Just another boring night in Boston sports. It's hard god damn work being this awesome at everything. It must suck so bad to live anywhere but here.

This is why its so easy to hate sports teams/cities that have a ton of recent success. That quote is from barstoolsports.com, and It would be EXACLTY what I would say if Houston had as much success as Boston has over the last few years.

Fuck the Spurs, Cowboys, Mavericks, for having more success in recent years that us. And fuck the Rangers for owning us every damn year. Damnit. Why can't we be dominating? I would shove it in so many peoples faces. I would be worse than any Yankee fan you've ever met.

Random

2008-05-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

Lance went on Rome yesterday, and then he hits the game winning home run.
Another opportunity for Rome to gloss his "jungle karma"

And... This sound byte has been playing on Rome alot lately, and I think its just awesome.
Its Brett Meyers of the phillies explode on this guy.

http://www.bugsandcranks.com/philadelphia-phillies/brett-myers-blows-the-game-screams-obscenities-at-reporter/

Sound byte is towards the bottom of the page

The flopping is out of hand.

2008-05-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you can get more angry at a T.V., than when Tim Duncan falls over when a snowflake grazes his toe, and the ref's call 98 fouls on the snowflake.

Duncan... backing it in... he spins!
*WHISTLE*
You! Snowflake! DID YOU FUCKING FALL ON TIM DUNCANS TOE?
THAT IS FLAGRANT!
*League suspends the snowflake*

It sucks that we, as Rockets fans, have to be associated with Robert Horry. Atleast on a small level. Unfortunately, Horry is now the equivalent of: guy who tries to gouge eyeballs out in football dogpiles, or . . . guy who bashes ice skater's knee or . . . guy who gases, burns, shoots, stabs, and drowns millions of people in the 1930s and 40s.

We can't accept Berkman not hitting .400. Terrible! Fucking Terrible! Unacceptable!
I like looking down at the Cards in the standings. Makes me feel like takin a big ole dump from above them. Take my shit Pujols! Does it feel good on your head?

This is my dream (and if this is possible, i want to know how): I want to get a shitload of sound bytes from Major League, and Jim Rome and have a way to play them in public. Becuase whats better than saying the major league quotes while watching an astros game, than having the soundbytes right there. And rome is just funny to me, It would just make me laugh all the time. I could manually buzzer annoying people at the bar.

Pitcher hits HR, Media goes batshit fuckface crazy.

2008-05-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8083928/Pitcher-Owings-lifts-D-backs-with-stick

PHOENIX (AP) - Micah Owings isn't a good hitter for a pitcher. He's a good hitter, period.
Owings proved it again Wednesday with an opposite-field, pinch-hit home run that tied the game in the sixth and helped the Arizona Diamondbacks rally from four runs down to beat the Houston Astros 8-7.

Why is this such a big deal? Jim Rome made a scene about this that would make a Japanese woman having an orgasm feel bad. It was known going into the game that this guy can mash it up. Teams meet about how to face him when he is at the plate. He puts his offensive teammates to shame at batting practice, and they even know it. It's widely known in their clubhouse that Owings is in their top echelon of power hitters.

The media is not doing its job here. Front page / Index of webpage news is reserved for: Roger Clemens and preteen girls, Miguel Tejada's age, Mike Piazza's sexual orientation, and Jason Whitlock's blatant (and somehow acceptable) racism.

I will give this guy credit for going 8 for 19 on the season with a HR, a double, and 3 RBIs all the while going 4-0 pitching. Great job front-page-news-for-hitting-a-homerun guy!

+1

2008-04-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

Oh no!

I was JUST starting to like Avery Johnson after this video:

Fired? Take THAT.

Carlos Lee - Hero, Scapegoat of the weekend

2008-04-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

Awesome HR on Friday for the win.
Total piece of crap on the walk off liner to him today.

The draft is a total piece of crap today also.

Fuck.

Rockets: Urban Dictionary Style

2008-04-25T18:31:00.000-05:00

Tracy McGrady

A good NBA basketball player who has a girl's first name.

Why didn't Tracy McGrady's mother name him something more manly, like Samantha?

+1

Skip 2 My Lou

Legendary street baller, who earned his name in Rucker Park, NYC. He got his nickname from an announcer at Rucker after he started skipping while dribbling the ball during a game. This explains the first part of his name. The second part most likely roots in the announcers creativity with inspiration from the traditional American folk song "Skip To My Lou".

Skip 2 My Lou's real name is Rafer Alston

-1

Yao Ming

Noun

An increment of measure equal to 7 feet 5 inches or approximately 2.27 meters.

This room is 3 Yao Mings long.
Walk a few Yao Mings in these shoes and see how you like them.

+1

Dikembe Mutombo

When a guy wags his fingers back and forth rapidly against a girl's clitoris, reminiscent of the NBA Blocking King Dikembe Mutombo's stapled gesture used after blocking an opponents’ shot.

As she was bent over, the guy "Dikembe Mutombo'ed" her clitoris from behind and the girl immediately reached full climax.

+One trillion

Ok this one is wins everything that is called life.

While looking these up, we found some honorable mentions:

Yao Only Fan

A fan who follows the Houston Rockets but couldn't care less about team success. He/she only cares how Yao Ming performs.

Most of the Yao Only Fans who post here think Tracy McGrady should be traded because he is taking touches away from Yao.

granny rocket

when your granny decides to go into rocket engeneering and makes a rocket this rocket will be called a granny rocket.

The first granny landed on the moon today in her granny rocket.

Thoughts

2008-04-25T15:59:00.000-05:00

Blog is a retarded word. This is not a blog. This is just where we can post thoughts on many different subjects. These posts may or may not be interesting, but it's a forum that will allow for more sober thoughts, and getting spit on less from bar patrons explaining that Wade Miller was not a 20-game winner. We use "we" because it is the new fad. It's surprisingly fun to refer to yourself as we. Try it.

We needed an excuse to bitch at all the cowboy fans, the Mexican cowboy fans, the Mavericks fans, and all the Mexican Dallas fans that are Mexican who are stuck in our fair city of Houston. It gets especially fun to bitch about it when they call into sports radio programs, or even call you out publicly at games. One day, we will make a t-shirt that says Move to Dallas. This will in turn get everyone to move to Dallas, and we can take this thing down. Even funnier than all the Dallas fans in Houston is all the native Houstonians that are Dallas fans. We imagine this is much like being a Japan fan in 1942, in the U.S. Unfortunately, we cannot drop 110 megatons of nuclear domination on your city.

Much like my friends over at Dookie Cigar, we expect to have very few readers. Also much like those guys, we have the exact same fucking template. This is because blogspot.com has exactly zero templates worth ANYTHING. Fuck. In retrospect, we should have called this thing "mindless babble."